The Curse of Macha

The Milesian Urmi begat Fiatach begat Curir Ulad (after whom Ulster is named) begat Agnoman begat Crunniuc, who was a widowed rich landlord dwelling in the hills. One day a mysterious woman appeared and acted as his wife: she said her name was Macha daughter of Sainrith mac Imbaith.

She warned him not to boast, but one day at a fair in Ulster he saw the King's chariot win a race and boasted that his wife was faster. The king ordered that she be brought to prove it, but being nine months pregnant she begged for a delay to give birth. The crowd refused, and she raced and won, immediately delivering twins (Emain Macha = the twins of Macha) and cursed that for nine generations all the men of Ulster would suffer the same birth pangs in their times of greatest difficulty, for five days (or nights) and four nights (or days).

The Birth of Conchobor

Nes daughter of Eochaid Salbuide was sitting outside Emain when a passing druid called Cathbad told her it was the perfect time to beget a king, so wasting no time she shagged him (druids aren't stupid), begetting Conchobor three years and months later at the feast of Othar.

When Conchobor was seven Nes agreed to marry the Ulster king Fergus mac Roich if he would let Conchobor be king just for one year, but Nes was cunning and persuaded the men of Ulster to make it permanent and dump Fergus.

Conchobor mac Nesa was well loved, got to shag every female in sight and was rich.

The Birth of Setanta

King Conchobor & Co pursued a flock of birds to the Brug na Boinne and stayed in a couple's small house where his sister Deichtine helped the wife deliver a son while a mare outside delivered two foals. In the morning the house vanished and they took the boy back to Emain Macha but he fell ill and died. In her grief Deichtine accidentally swallowed a small creature in a drink, then dreamed of being shafted by Lugh who told her to call the boy Setanta and give him the foals (the Grey of Macha and Black Sainglen). Amidst rumours of incest Conchobor gave her pregnant to Sualdam mac Roich, but on the first night she miscarried, became a virgin again, got pregnant again and finally bore a son who was fostered to both Amargin and Finnchaem at Imrith Fort on Murtheimne Plain.

The Naming of Cuchulainn

One day young Setanta decided to leave home and go to Emain Macha to join the boy troop, whom he beat up a few times. He killed anyone who woke him up. He once rescued wounded Conchobor and his son Cuscraid from a battlefield, and when the Ustermen were birth-pang-ridden he killed nine marauders from Faichi and put the remaining 18 to flight. And all before he was five.

When Setanta was six Conchobor & Co went to visit Culann the Smith, but Setanta was busy beating three-times-fifty boys at Shoot-the-Goal, wrestling and the Stripping Game, so he said he would follow on. At the feast they forgot about Setanta and Culann released his huge hound to guard the Smithy and as the boy arrived it attacked him. The men rushed outside in time to see the boy kill the animal with his bare hands (or his ball). Culann welcomed him, but mourned the loss of his great hound, so Setanta swore to raise a pup from the same pack, and until it was grown to guard the Smith's herds and lands himself. The druid Cathbad immediately gave him the name Cuchulainn- The Hound of Culann.

The Courtship of Emer

At seven Cuchulainn was so gorgeous the Ulstermen decided to marry him off to keep him off their women. He and his charioteer Laeg mac Riangabra in his chariot pulled by the Brug na Boinne foals (one called The Grey of Macha) headed off to The Gardens of Lug to chat up Emer the daughter of Forgall Monach. Cuchulainn offered to rest his weapon between her tits, but she said not until he killed several hundred men at particular fords and not slept for a year, plus some sword tricks.

In order to put a stop to all this Forgall pursuaded Conchobor to send Cuchulainn off to train under Domnall Mildemail on Alba, and then Scathac to learn the greatest secrets of combat (and hopefully get killed). Cuchulainn promised Emer to stay a virgin and set off to Domnall, where he learned many hero feats, then further East to Scathac. He jumped the Pupils' Bridge to her island, and Scathac told her daughter Uathach to shag him. During this she cried out, a hard man called Cochar Cruibne came running, assumed date-rape, attacked Cuchulainn, and was decapitated, so Cuchulainn took his job.

On Uathach's advice Cuchulainn climbed up Scathach's yew tree, put his sword between her tits and made her promise him thorough training, a dowry and a prophesy.

Meanwhile Forgall was trying to marry off Emer and she was scaring them off with the mention of Cuchulainn, including Cuchulainn's foster-brother Lugaid mac Nois.

Scathach was at war with another warrioress chief Aife whom Cuchulainn distracted with the oldest trick in the book, dragged off by the tits and shagged. When she was pregnant Cuchulainn told her to wait seven years, give the boy his ring, tell him to come to Ireland, and reveal his name (Connla), make way for and refuse combat to no man. Then he returned to Scathach, killing the mother of his last three victims on the way.

Cuchulainn learned numerous hero-feats (including the top-secret Gae Bolga) and a prophesy. Then he returned to Emain.

It took a year to break into Forgall's fortress, then he killed 309 men with his sickle-chariot, salmon-leaped over the rampart, killed 24 men sparing Emer's three brothers, Forgall slipped and killed himself, Cuchulainn jumped out again with Emer, her sister and their weight in gold and silver, and fled across several fords killing a hundred men at each, as per Emer's specification, so she married him.

At Emain Conchobor was forced to sleep with Emer out of custom, but Fergus and Cathbad joined in to prevent any first-forcing (in theory) and keep Cuchulainn cool.

Cuchulainn Takes Arms

When he was eight Cuchulainn overheard Cathbad say that any boy taking arms that day would die young and be remembered forever, so he took arms from Conchobor, breaking most of them.

He took Conchobor's chariot and charioteer Ibor for a spin round Siab Fuait where he sabotaged Conall Cernach's chariot and went on to do the grand tour, finally killing all three sons of Nechta Scene and taking their heads. On the way home he also captured deer and swans, and got so worked up by the time he returned to Emain that the Men of Ulster were forced to send out all their women naked and dump him in three vats of water to cool him off.

Bricriu's Feast

Bricriu mac Carbad of the poisoned tongue threw a party for the Men of Ulster and in order to cause trouble asked who was champion: Cuchulainn, Conall of the Victories or Laery the Triumphant. To decide he summoned from a lake a demon called The Terrible, who challenged them to chop off his head on condition that if he survived he got his own back next day. Only Cuchulainn accepted, and the demon returned to the lake carrying his axe and recently severed head.

Next day he returned, healed, and when Cuchulainn kept his word and offered his neck The Terrible spared him and pronounced him Champion of Ulster, and indeed Ireland.

Mac Datho's Boar

Mesroda mac Datho of Leinster owned a great hound and a huge boar. Both King Conchobor of Ulster and Queen Medb of Connacht made generous offers for the hound, and in order to avoid denying it to either and making a powerful enemy at his wife's suggestion he threw a party and invited both sides, hoping the situation would resolve itself.

The boar was slaughtered and cooked, and with Bricriu's encouragement the heroes of Ulster and Connacht fell to arguing over who was to get the hero's portion. Ket mac Maga of Connacht verbally humiliated in turn the Ulstermen Cuscrid mac Conor, Keltchar, Munremur mac Gerrcinn (pron. Gherkin ?), Laery the Triumphant and several others (Cuchulainn presumably being back home at Imrith Fort on Murtheimne Plain).

Then Conall of the Victories arrived late, smashed Ket in the mush with the recently severed head of his brother Anluan and started a riot. The Connachtmen ran off home, and Ailill's charioteer decapitated the pursuing hound as he went.

So mac Datho lost his hound and boar, but kept his lands and life.

The Death of Aife's One Son

Seven years after the Scatha/Aife episode by which time Cuchulainn was 14 his son Connla set off from Alba for Erin to find his old man, performing near-supernatural hero-feats on the way. The men of Ulster saw him approaching in a little boat and wondered what the grown men must be like from his country. They sent their heroes to question him, but as per his geas he neither gave his name nor made way, non-lethally subduing Condere mac Echach and Conall Cernach. Then Cuchulainn advanced, ignoring Emer's warnings. Connla easily defeated him until Cuchulainn played foul with the Gae Bolga and ripped out his guts. Connla pointed out what a waste it was, saluted the men of Ulster and died.

The Exile of the Sons of Uisliu

About 14 years previously (round about the time of the birth of Cuchulainn) the Men of Ulster had been drinking in the house of Conchobor's storyteller Fedlimid mac Daill when the child in his wife's womb screamed, and Cathbad predicted she would be called Derdriu. Once she was born Cathbad then predicted the whole of the rest of this story (basically she's gorgeous and nothing but trouble). The Ulstermen demanded her immediate death, but Conchobor ordered the child to be reared for himself in a secret lad-free place. Now, about 14 years later she was day-dreaming about boys when the satyrist Laeborcham mentioned Noisiu mac Uisliu, whom she immediately seduced and eloped with, along with his two brothers Ardan and Anle and a small army.

Pursued by Conchobor they wandered all over Erin, and ended up in Alba, where the king there fancied her too, so they ended up on an island.

Conchobor sent trust-worthy ex-king Fergus mac Roich to bring them back in peace under his protection, but then took advantage of Fergus' geas never to refuse a booze-up to separate him and Dubthach from them, and they arrived in Emain Macha with only his son Fiacha. Conchobor had them ambushed on the green by king Eogan mac Durthact of Fernmag (who owed him some favours), and all were killed including Fergus' son Fiachta except Derdriu who was tied up. Then Fergus returned with Dubthach and Cormac and in vengeance killed several of Conchobor's relatives causing civil war. Dubthach massacred the girls of Ulster, Fergus burned Emain and all three thousand exiles led by Fergus and Conchobor's own son Cormac Connlongas and including Bricriu, Dubthach, Fiacha mac Fir Febe (Conchobor's grandson) and Cuchulain's foster-brothers Lugaid mac Nois and Conall Cernach fled to Queen Medb and King Ailill of Connacht from where they pillaged Ulster every night for 16 years. It says.

One year after the burning of Macha Conchobor and Eogan were taking Derdriu there for a three-way when she leaned out of the chariot and smashed her own brains out on a rock.

Cuchulainn must have been away.

The Quarrel of the Two Pig Keepers

In Tir Na Nog there was bad blood between Ochall Ochne the King of the Sidhe at Cruachan in Connacht, and Bodb the King of the Sidhe on Femen Plain in Munster. Their shape-shifting pig-keepers were Rucht (grunt) and Friuch (bristle), and they were friends, sharing each others oak and beech mast. Some shit-stirrers caused an argument between them, things escalated, they got the sack, and feuded for two years as birds of prey, two as water-creatures, then stags, warriors, phantoms, dragons and finally maggots, in which form they were swallowed by an Ulster cow belonging to Daire mac Fiachna and a Connacht cow belonging to Ailill. Thus were born the two super-bulls Dub of Cuailgne (Ulster) and Finnbennach of Ai Plain (Connacht).

All this has merely been a preamble to the Irish Illiad,...

...or The Cattle Raid of Cooley.

Pillow Talk

In Cruachan on Ai Plain Queen Medb and King Ailill mac Mata of Connacht were arguing over who had the most wealth. Ailill just won because of Finnbennach, so Medb sent messengers to find another as good, and learned of Dub. She sent her messenger Mac Roth with nine others to negotiate the loan of the beast from Fiachna, and things went well until some of them were overheard boasting that they could have taken it by force anyway. Mac Roth returned empty handed, so on the first Monday after Samain Medb assembled...

The War Host

...of 54,000, including the troops of Ailill and his six brothers, Medb's two troops and her sons' (The Seven Maines), the exiled Ulster troop led by Conchobor's exiled son Cormac Connlongas (very popular with the ladies) and Fergus, and the Galeoin troop (in total 18 troops of 3,000 warriors each, plus camp followers).

Although a third of the Men of Ulster were away somewhere and the remainder already in labour a Connacht poet Fedelm (possibly the youngest incarnation of The Triple Aspected Goddess Danu) prophesied the host would meet disaster at the hands of the Forge Hound.

The Men of Galeoin

They set off from Cruachan Ai the Monday after Samain and camped at Cuil Silinne. Medb was so worried by the thought of the excellent Galeoin troop taking all the glory if they came, or pillaging her own lands if they stayed, that she wanted to kill them, but Fergus forced a compromise: they were split up amongst the other 17 troops.

Haunted by Nemain

They hunted deer at Moin Coltna and camped at Trego Plain, but Dubthach had the willies and Nemain the war spirit assailed them, and they were forced to move on to Granaird.

Cuchulainn's First Challenge

Fergus sent a secret warning to Cuchulainn (now 17) and his old man Sualdam, but Cuchulainn had already promised to shaft Fedelm Noichride or her bondmaid (or both) that evening and so left an ogham-carved spancel hoop atop a menhir at Iraird Cuillenn (his first of many ogham challenges), forcing Medb to detour South through the Fid Duin Forest, camping at Cuil Sibrille where it snowed three feet deep.

Fergus Tells of Cuchulainn

Cuchulainn expressed regret to his charioteer Laeg at letting an army into Ulster for the sake of a shag, and calculated its size from the tracks (including the concealed 18th troop of Galeoin). He went ahead to Ath Galba where he spiked the severed heads of the warriors Err and Innel and their charioteers Foich and Fochlam onto a forked oghamed tree he threw into the stream bed. Fergus broke 14 chariots removing it, and over lunch told Ailill and Medb about Cuchulainn.

Then they proceeded to Mag Muceda where Cuchulainn had left an oghamed oak they broke 30 chariots failing to leap, and camped.

Cuchulainn Kills Fraich

Medb sent Fraich after Cuchulainn, who killed him and green fairy women took his body. Fergus leapt the oak and the host moved on, harried by Cuchulainn who killed another six and Medb's dog, pissing her off, so she ordered a pursuit until their chariot shafts broke.

Cuchulainn's Sling

Cuchulainn found Orlam's charioteer Fertedil making a new shaft, beheaded Orlam (Ailill's foster son) and sent the charioteer back with his head, then killed him with a slingshot for putting the head down too early.

Then he killed the three sons of Garach; Lon, Ualu and Diliu, and their charioteers Meslir, Meslaech and Meslethan.

At Methe Cuchulainn swore to sling at Medb and Ailill at every opportunity, but only got Medb's squirrel and Ailill's bird, and their jester Maenen, after which Ailill forbade scoffing and ordered night marches.

More Deaths

The host mistakenly chased off the harpers of Cain Bile who turned into deer.

At the ford on the Nith Cuchulainn killed Lethan and his charioteer Mulca, and many more as the host crossed Breg Plane.

The Morrigan told the brown bull Dub to leave Temair Chuailgne and he went to Sliab Cuilinn with his fifty heifers and herdsman Forgaimen, killing two-thirds of the three times fifty boys playing on his back.

At Cuailgne Cuchulainn mistakenly slung Medb's maid Lochu.

At Finnabair Chuailgne the host divided and later regrouped on Conaille Plain, in the meantime either...

Finnabair to Conaille #1

The host pillaged Cuailgne and found the bull at Glenn Gat, where he disembowelled Lothar the herdsman, killed 50 heroes and vanished.

Ualu died trying to cross the unusually swollen river Cronn, where Cuchulainn also killed Cronn, Caemdele, 100 warriors, 124 kings and the two Tain chroniclers Roan and Roae, which is why the Tain was lost and had to be found much later.

Then they lost 100 chariots crossing the river Colptha, finally reaching Conaille Plain. or...

Finnabair to Conaille #2

The host pillaged Cuailgne and split in two. Ailill caught Fergus shagging his wife Medb in the forest and knicked his sword as some sort of phallic reprisal, taking the piss out of his hastily carved wooden replacement over a game of fidchell.

Cuchulainn took the ford on the Cronn River, calling on it to rise to the treetops, and slew one Maine, 30 horsemen and 32 warriors. Lugaid approached him to discuss cookery and arrange safe camping for himself and the other Ulster exiles, and eventually even for Ailill, as they camped for one, 20 or 30 nights.

Then they moved on, and Cuchulainn slew 30 each at Ath Duirn and Cuil Airthir, and Ailill's charioteer Cuillius, before they reached Conaille Plain.

The Challenge

On Conaille Plain Cuchullain slew 100 men on each of three nights, so Ailill sent Mac Roth to buy him off, without success. Then they sent Fergus to suggest daily ford-fights in return for no more nocturnal slinging, accompanied by Etarcomol, foster-son of Medb and Ailill. Cuchulainn accepted but Etarcomol got lippy and Cuchulainn was forced to slice him in half.

Medb bribed Nadcranntail to fight first, offering her own daughter Finnabair.

The next day Nadcranntail attacked with nine thrown spears and Cuchulainn's spear-stepping battle feats were mistaken for retreat, so they met again the next day where Cuchulainn wore a false beard to convince Nadcranntail he was an adult, speared him with more spear-feats and sliced him in four.

The Bull is Found

Medb pillaged Cuib in the North for a fortnight and her warrior Buide mac Bain found and captured the bull and its herdsman. Cuchulainn killed mac Bain with his javelin, but they got the bull to the Connacht camp. Then they sent Ailill's satirist Redg to ask Cuchulainn for his javelin to disarm him, so he gave it to him through the head.

Medb and her troops regrouped and the Ulster Herdsman Forgaimen tried to make off with the bull, but they trampled him to death.

Ford-Fights Galore

The next day they sent against Cuchulainn the reaking Cur mac Dalath, a man whose infected victims died in nine days if only scratched. Cuchulainn was so busy practising his feats and juggling apples he did not even notice his attacks for hours until notified by Fiacha mac Fir Febe, and then he threw an apple through his shield and his head.

The next day it was Lath mac Dabro, then Foirc mac tri n-Aignech, then Srubgaile mac Eobith. In desperation Medb got Ferbaeth (who trained with Cuchulainn under Scathach) drunk and offered her daughter again, if he killed his old pal. Cuchulainn learned of this through his frequent chats with his foster brother the exiled Ulsterman Lugaid mac Nois, and summoned Ferbaeth to talk, they argued and Cuchulainn ended up throwing a holly spear through his head and out of his mouth.

Next Medb and Ailill got drunk and offered their daughter to a succession of warriors, all of whom died.

Next they sent Larene, but Lugaid asked Cuchulainn not to kill his brother, so he only beat the shit out of him. Literally.

The Morrigan

Now The Morrigan, Goddess of War (and middle incarnation of The Triple Aspected Goddess), visited Cuchulainn disguised as a princess, and they did not get on, and she ended up promising to return against him in the fight, and left.

Loch mac Mofemis was asked next, but made a feeble excuse about not fighting boys, so his brother Long went instead, and died. Then for seven nights Medb sent out assassins, but they all died too. Finally Loch agreed to fight (pursuaded by Cuchulainn's fake berry juice beard) and as they set to the Morrigan appeared as an eel about Cuchulainn's ankles causing him to fall and receive terrible sword wounds. But Fergus told a fellow exiled Ulsterman Bricriu to taunt Cuchulainn and he rose up and smote the Morrigan as eel, bitch-wolf and heifer, stampeding the cattle furtively being sneaked out of Ulster down stream during Loch's distraction through the Connacht camp, wrecking it. Then Cuchulainn rammed his Gae Bolga up Loch's arse and took his head.

The Morrigan reappeared as an old hag and tricked the thoroughly knackered Cuchulainn into blessing her, thus lifting the marks of the injuries he inflicted.

Medb's Growing Treachery

The next day was a truce, but the next day Medb sent at once all six sons of the kings of the Clanna Dedad, and Cuchulainn slew all six.

Then she invited him to talk and sent 14 (or 20) name-sharing warriors to ambush him, but he killed all those too. He also attacked the camp killing another eight name-sharers (two called Dagri, two called Anle and four called Dungas from Imlech). Then they sent another five out to him, and he did for them.

Now Fergus insisted on no more cheating, and in daily single combat Cuchulainn killed Fota, Bomailce, Salach, Muinne, Luar and Fertoithle, then three druids Traig, Dornu and Dernu (Foot, Fist and Palm), and their wives Col, Mebul and Eraise (Lust, Shame and Nothingness). Then Medb reverted to form and sent 100 men to kill him and he massacred the lot.

Through Lugaid Ailill offered Cuchulainn his much-offered daughter Finnabair, but sent her with his spare jester Tamun disguised as himself. Cuchulainn slung out his brains, chopped off her hair and impaled them both on pillar-stones, in Finnabair's case apparently not fatally (see later). But it must have made her eyes water.

Lug mac Ethnenn

The host camped on Murtheimne Plain at Breslech Mor, near Cuchulainn's childhood home. That night Cuchulainn, in his anger, gave a warrior's scream that stirred up ghosts and goblins and even Nemain the War God, and a hundred warriors died of fright.

Then Cuchulainn's father from the Sidhe, Lug mac Ethnenn, came to him, and healed his many wounds, and he slept for three days and nights at the grave mound at Lerga.

The Boy Troop

During this time the boy-troop of Ulster, too young to feel the pangs, decided to help Cuchulainn, and 150 sons of Ulster kings, one third of the whole troop, led by Conchobor's son Follamain, attacked the host with hurling-sticks. Ailill sent 450 warriors out to meet them at Lia Toll and they all killed each other in three battles except Follamain mac Conchobor, who then died at the hands of two of Ailill's foster-brothers.

The Sickle Chariot and the Six-Fold Slaughter

Cuchulainn awoke feeling utterly rampant, until Lug told him about the boy-troop and left. Laeg then prepared the dreaded spikey sickle-chariot and Cuchulainn his battle-harness and together they attacked the host. Cuchulainn was gripped by his greatest warp-spasm and became a fearsome monster, and by the end of the day had killed 130 kings, uncountable hundreds of warriors, and dogs, horses, women, boys, children and rabble of all kinds. Over two thirds of the host were killed or maimed. Cuchulainn, Laeg and their horses were not even scratched.

The Pangs Diminish

The next day Cuchulainn went to pose before the now quarrelling remains of the host, and a few of the Men of Ulster were beginning to recover.

Some Ulstermen and some of the host slew each other with javelins at Imroll Belaig Eoin, or it may have been later. And Aengus mac Aenlam Gaibe delayed the whole army at Muid Loga but he was not protected by the rule of fair play and was overwhelmed.

Medb got Fergus very drunk and he went off to fight his own foster-son Cuchulainn, who took the piss out of his missing sword and agreed to yield, if Fergus would yield the next time. Cuchulainn withdrew for the first and last time and the host moved on to camp at Crich Rois.

The next day Connacht man Ferchu Loingsech and 11 pals attacked Cuchulainn in order to win forgiveness for having pillaged Medb and Ailill's lands, but he cut off their heads and stuck each on a menhir.

The next day Medb sent 29 men after him at Fuiliarn Swamp (Gaile Dana (or possibly the druid Calatin) his son-in-law and 27 sons), all bearing poisoned weapons, and at Fergus' request his fellow Ulster exile Fiacha mac Fir Febe went along to watch. Cuchulainn caught their poisoned javelins on his shield, then they bore him down onto the ford bed. He gave his cry of unfair fight, and as they raised their 29 fists Fiacha chopped off the lot. In order to eliminate the witnesses and protect the exiles Cuchulainn and the two recently de-panged sons of Ficce (Ulstermen) killed them all.

Ferdia

Medb's last vile concept was to send against Cuchulainn his own impenetrable-horn-skinned foster-brother from Irrus Domanann in Connacht, Ferdia mac Damain, fellow trainee of Scathach. With satirists and wine and hostages and lies and the promise of gold and Finnabair and land and a shag he was pursuaded. Fergus went to warn Cuchulainn, so he nipped back to his wife Emer to get tarted up.

The next day Ferdia said his goodbyes to Medb early while she was pissing in the tent and set off, nagged by his own charioteer. He and Cuchulainn met and broke their friendship with taunts, to Cuchulainn's regret. Then they set to with trick shields, swords and darts until noon, drawing no blood. Then with tough shields and strong spears until sunset, drawing much blood, when they retired for the day to the same camp, sharing their food and healing herbs.

The second day Cuchulainn chose big stabbing spears and broadshields, and they fought all day inflicting ludicrous wounds on one another, such that that night in their shared camp their healers had to use magic to keep them alive.

The third day Ferdia chose massive broadswords and full-length shields, and by sunset had hacked enough bits off each other to kill an army, and this time retired, wasted, to separate camps.

The fourth day Ferdia shoved a millstone up his leather apron to stop the Gae Bolga which he knew Cuchulainn was packing, and they met at the ford and showed off. Cuchulainn chose ford-combat, his speciality. There followed a literally earth-shaking battle, Cuchulainn egged on by Laeg, until Ferdia got lucky and stabbed him particularly badly in the chest, and Cuchulainn was forced to throw his javelin through his heart, and then with his foot his Gae Bolga through all his other bits. Ferdia died whingeing, and Cuchulainn carried him off, heartbroken, to cut out his Gae Bolga.

The Pangs End

By now The Men of Ulster were recovered from their pangs, and the hideous Senoll Uathach and the two sons of Ficce bore Cuchulainn back to Conaille to bathe his wounds in the waters of many rivers.

First Cethern mac Fintan attacked the host and slaughtered many, but ended up back at Cuchulainn with his guts hanging out. He killed either 15 or 50 healers for delivering pessimistic prognoses, so Cuchulainn fetched Conchobor's own healer Fingin, who made an excellent diagnosis from a safe distance of 12 preposterous wounds inflicted by 26 related enemies, and got punched out for the effort. Cethern bathed in marrow for three days, replaced his ribs with chariot parts, grabbed his weapons and charged back into the fray, killing many before being overwhelmed.

His father Fintan attacked next with 150 men, to avenge his son. Only he and his other son Crimthann survived.

Then Menn mac Salchada attacked with 30 men, and 12 died on each side, and he retreated.

Then gorgeous, pouting Rochad mac Faithemain attacked with 100 warriors, but Medb trapped him using Finnabair as bait, and after a shag (and possibly even a troth-plighting) he retreated.

Unfortunately seven Munster kings now twigged that they had all been promised first shag and been cheated, attacked Ailill and Co and 700 died, at which Finnabair died of shame. Or not.

Then Laegaire's crumbly old grandad Ilech attacked naked in a decrepit chariot through which his dick and balls hung, killing many Connachtmen until Dochae mac Magach took his head back to his grandson Laegaire and made friends.

Then 150 Ulster charioteers died killing 450 of the host at Tailtu.

Then Curoi mac Dairi and Munremur mac Gerrcinn attacked them with a meteor shower at Mag Clochair.

But all the Ulster survivors swore to return at the last battle.

Sualdam's Warning

Still recuperating, Cuchulain sent his dad Sualdam to Emain Macha to rally the Ulstermen, where he tripped and accidentaly decapitated himself on his shield. But Conchobor was roused and had his son Finnchad Fer Benn, the Horned Man, rally the hosts, who had all been waiting impatiently anyway.

To warm up he and Celtchar took 150 chariots ahead to Airthir Midi Ford, returning with the heads of 160 warriors left there on guard.

In the Connacht camp Dubthach Dael, the Ulster exile, had forboding dreams and the war god Nemain assailed the host, killing 100 of them.

The Ulster Advance

By early spring (around Imbolc) after six months (longer than the 5 days originally cursed) the pangs had ended. The Men of Ulster assembled their 20 companies (over 60,000 men) led by King Conchobor (and several survivors of the earlier forays) on the East side of the Plain of Garach in Meath, facing Ailill's host of the men of Ireland to the West, observed and reported by Ailill's scout, Mac Roth, and identified by Fergus. He also saw many thousands more men still arriving.

But he didn't see at least another four companies still on their way, or Cuchulainn, hors de combat nearby at Fedan Collna.

That night the Morrigan spoke dire prophesies and the war gods called out to the men of Ireland (as opposed to Ulster), and 100 died of fright, and Ailill called to his surviving 31 trios.

The Last Battle

...began at night on the Plain of Garech when the servants fought over wandering cattle. Then in twilight the boys joined in, then at sunrise Laeg roused the Ulstermen who charged in naked to save time. Several Ulstermen talked in their sleep and Conchobor sent the kings in when the sun lit the valleys, then the lines clashed.

Ailill finally gave Fergus his sword back, who charged in and almost lost his temper with Conchobor, but Cormac Connlongas pursuaded him to decapitate three hills instead. At the sound Cuchulainn warp-spasmed and rushed in carrying his chariot on his back, pausing only to crush the skulls of two handmaids sent by Medb to open his wounds with depressing lies. He reminded Fergus of his promise to give way, and he retreated with his own troop of 3,000 plus the Men of Galeoin and Munster. Cuchulainn smashed the last company of the men of Ireland at noon, and the last battle was over.

Medb had just sneaked away the Brown Bull of Cuailnge off to Cruachan when she got a really heavy period, and was right in the middle of a major gush when Cuchulainn found her, and out of character killed her not. He watched her, Ailill, Fergus and the few survivors all the way to the Connacht border at Ath Luain.

The Bull-Fight

At Tarbga (the place of bull-strife) on Ai Plain near Cruachan the men of Ireland chose the Ulster exile Bricriu mac Carbad (trusted to be impartial because he hated everybody equally) to judge the combat between the two super-bulls Dub of Cuailgne (for Ulster and Medb) and Finnbennach of Ai Plain (for Connacht and Ailill). They fought for a day and a night across Ireland, until Dub shredded Finnbennach and returned to Ulster, dropping bull fragments along the way, finally dropping dead at Druim Tarb.

Medb and Ailill made peace with Ulster for seven years, Finnabair, dead or alive, did or did not stay with Cuchulainn, the surviving Connachtmen went home and the Ulstermen returned to Emain Macha in triumph.

But Ailill's bull was dead, so Medb won the argument with Ailill after all.

Cuchulainn and Fand

While hunting Cuchulainn fell asleep against a menhir and dreamed two fairies were beating him up, after which he was sick for a year. Then a strange man told him to return to the stone where one of the original fairy women told him that Fand, estranged wife of the sea god Mananan Mac Lir, wanted him to defeat three demon kings in return for a shag.

After sending Laeg to check it out he entered Tir Na Nog, did the job and hung out with Fand for a month, but when they met again on Earth Emer turned up with fifty armed handmaidens, and after a scene Fand went home with Mananan and Cuchulainn pined until the druids gave him amnesia potion and Mananan shook his cloak between them, parting them forever.

Cuchulainn and Blanid

Blanid, wife of Curoi, King of Munster, also fancied Cuchulainn, and poured milk from three cows into the stream flowing through Curoi's Dun, signalling for Cuchulainn and his men to attack from a nearby wood. He killed Curoi and carried off his wife, but Curoi's bard Fercartna secretly followed them, grabbed Blanid and jumped with her off the cliff of Beara.

Queen Medb's Vengeance

Long after her humiliation on The Tain, Queen Medb plotted her revenge, assembling a huge host of orphans and aggrieved relatives of Cuchulainn's numerous victims, including Lewy (son of Curoi), Erc (son of Cairpre (deceased)), and six evil wizards (three male, three female; the last six offspring of Calatin (or Gaile Dana) whom Cuchulainn had slain on The Tain at Fuiliarnn Swamp along with his previous 27 sons and one nephew).

The Clan Calatin began by exhausting Cuchulainn in battle against illusions for two days at his home at Murthemnie, until Cathbad had him sent to a secret glen tended by Conall of the Victories' wife Niam and her fifty handmaidens. But Calatin's daughter Bedb enchanted Niam, and in her form roused Cuchulainn to battle again.

Laeg harnessed his chariot, but The Grey of Macha bucked and wept blood (and presumably Black Sainglend was a bit spooked). He went by Emain Macha to pick up three javelins (each prophesied to kill a king) on his way home to Murthemnie, where a goblet of wine from his mother turned to blood. Cuchulainn bid his wife Emer goodbye and set off to battle.

The Washer at the Ford

At a ford on the plain of Emania Cuchulainn saw an old hag (the third and oldest incarnation of The Triple Aspected Goddess) keening as she washed bloody clothes and armour in the stream. She seemed oblivious to him, and when he recognised the clothes as his own he knew he was doomed.

The Death of Cuchulainn

Returning again to Muthemnie he saw three old women cooking an otter, and at their taunting approached and accepted some. But the crones were the Calatin Clan again, and Cuchulain was under geis never to approach a hearth and eat thereof, or to eat of his namesake (otter = waterdog = hound), and as he ate his arm was paralysed.

Cuchulainn finally found Medb's host near Slieve Fuad, and immediately attacked slaying hundreds as usual. Lewy sent a satirist to demand of him one of his javelins, and Cuchulainn was forced to give him one, through his heart and the nine men behind him. Lewy retrieved the javelin and cast it back, killing Laeg, King of all charioteers.

Then another satirist demanded the second javelin or he would revile Ulster, and again Cuchulainn threw it through him and the nine behind. This time Erc retrieved it and flung it back, mortally wounding The Grey of Macha, King of all horses.

A third satirist demanded the final javelin, and again Cuchulainn cast it through him and nine others. Lewy cast it back mortally wounding Cuchulainn, King of all Champions.

Black Sainglend broke away and left him, and Cuchulainn made his way to the loch side to wash, protected by the teeth and hooves of the Grey of Macha. He then tied himself to a standing stone, and still his enemies feared to approach until the Grey had left and the raven (The Morrigan) settled on his shoulder. As Lewy smote off his head, Cuchulainn's sword fell from his dead hand and hacked off Lewy's own hand. They took Cuchulainn's head and hand to Tara, and buried them beneath a mound.

Meanwhile Conall of the Victories was hurrying to the battle, and met the Grey of Macha which led him to its headless master, where it died. He drove South and came upon Lewy by the Liffey, tied one hand behind his back in the spirit of fair play and fought for half a day, until his horse Dewy-Red bit Lewy and he slew him, taking his head to Emain Macha. But not in triumph, for the Hound of Ulster was no more.

The Death of Conchobor

Conchobor attacked Mesgedra King of Leinster, and Conall of the Victories took his head and turned his brains into a sling-stone. Ket of Connacht stole the brain-ball, and one day when Conchobor was posing for the ladies at Athnurchar he slung him in the forehead.

Back at Emain Macha the surgeons could not remove the shot, but sewed it up and suggested plenty of rest, but unfortunately Conchobor got all worked up over something insignificant and burst his brain.

The Death of Ket

Conall came upon his old nemesis Ket at a ford, and though he slew him was so badly wounded he was bleeding to death when another Connacht champion Bealcu arrived, who took Conall home and healed him. Bealcu's three sons tried to kill Conall but mistakenly killed their old man instead, then Conall took all their heads back to Ulster.

The Death of Fergus

Fergus was romping naked with Medb in a pool when Ailill finally snapped and killed him with a spear cast.

The Death of Ailill

Conall killed Ailill in revenge.

Why ?

The Death of Medb

Medb retired to an island on Loch Ryve where she bathed frequently. Forbay son of Conchobor practised his sling until he was good enough to get her right between the eyes from the shore, which he did. She was 88.

Which just leaves Conall of the Victories still standing.

The Pangs End

At some point Lugdach begat Mainech begat Dallan begat Furc, in whose time the pangs ended.

Years later even than that, somewhere in the Historical Cycle...

How the Tain was Recovered

When the poets of Ireland realised that they had forgotten The Tain Senchan sent Ninene's grandson Emine accompanied by his son Muirgen to the land of Letha to re-learn it from a certain sage. On the way they paused at Fergus' gravestone at Enloch in Connacht and Muirgen accidentaly summoned him with a poem, and Fergus told him everything.

Or it was learned by Senchan himself from certain saints of the seed of Fergus on a fast.

Then, about 300 years after the Ultonian Cycle there came The Fenian Cycle.

Lugodoc's Guide to Celtic Mythology
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